by Hansini

I painted you in a camouflage with my words; with parts of clarity, parts of confusion,  parts of love, parts of hate.  Blended so perfectly together with evident signs that it was just pieces- never a whole. Pieces of you and I ripped and broken and awkward.  We blended in because we were afraid of standing out, we gave up because we were afraid of giving in. We ran triumphantly over my heart, like an abandoned battle field,  it has not much but dying trees and nostalgia. Trees I used to embrace and climb as a child- now I hold the trunk for dear life hoping I don’t fall deeper. This field contains nothing but rotten flowers which seem to bloom in the sight of you, military hours seem to suit us best; I’ll always think of you in my darkest hour. And thats when I will paint you; paint you in greens and golds, paint you to be the person I wanted you to be not the one you are, because I rather keep a false memory than ever accept defeat. Because like a soldier I dont give up without a fight , because like a soldier you won’t give up to me. Enemies we became,  I can’t stand to mention your name,  I hate this so called new profound identity you have of fame. Your medals show courage and strength,  but how strong are you when you couldn’t hold me. Together we hurt innocent bystanders with our lashes of insanity,  hold hostage our friends and these nights, but gain nothing out of them but a bittersweet melody that I will repeat in my head when I miss you, when I miss me.

You were quick to judge me, quick to label me as crazy . I was quick to jump to my own defense.  I wasn’t crazy,  I just had demons. You stared me in the eyes, you saw my demons and then you slept with me. But I at least can admit my flaws  , you denied that you had any.  Your darkness became darker, I saw you transform into a monster right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t understand why or how until I realized I was fueling your fire. You blink your eyes as the wind blows in our direction my shirt sinks closely into my skin . And you breathe.

You painted the world in black and white,  I could see your true colors babe. Each and every time,  as the dawn broke you went back to them. Those that couldn’t see you for the monster you were. They laid in your sheets, they kissed your lips, they felt your body- but they could never see you. You did well kid, hiding it all the way, you fooled the world.  You could have fooled me. But I had a heart that felt too much.  I had eyes that had seen too much. It could have been simple,  I should have walked away when I recognized myself in you.  I should have known the damage we would do to each other. But I didn’t.  I guess I had been lonely for a long time. I was a masochist and you were someone who liked inflicting pain. We created something twisted.  But the dawn always came and you can’t break the dawn.  You can’t stop the stars from going or the sun from coming. I couldn’t stop you from leaving… leaving me in the silence of my own demons because you were too much of a coward to face yours.