by Hansini

I seek freedom. Insurmountable freedom. 

I honestly don’t know, where to start,  or what to write, how to feel or to communicate with people these days.  Haven’t really replied to a single call or checked my inbox. 

It’s been a week since I actually sat down and tried to read or write something. It’s been about two weeks since I properly had a conversation with someone. I wake up tired everyday. I realized I lost openness. I lost it in the chaos,  disappointment and unrequited love. I lost openness in unwanted conversations, in too many expectations. 

I lost openness in sudden circumstances. And I lost openness because I let my thoughts overcome my heart. I felt defeated, of being heartbroken, of anguish. And I felt discouraged all these days. I searched for promises and comfort in others’ eyes.

So here I am, secretly having a glass of wine, with the vast ocean calling out to me,  comfortably listening to Led Zeppelin and swallowing my situation with ease. I realized it’s time to parent yourself. It’s time to know your mistakes and gather immense strength to change the current situation. I believe my soul is my home,  I’ve to keep it pure. I’ve to respect it,  and I’ve to expose it to good things. I have to respect the fucked up process of life and what it throws at me. 

Today I managed to get out of my comfort zone. Packed up my bag and left. I tried to discover new places, less as a tourist and more as a traveller. And I met some amazing people! I also realized  some people are not my people. I can never be like them  and that’s completely okay.  You can’t please people. I hate the “people-pleasing-act”. You can’t force yourself to open up and be chilled out.

What I’m grateful is, I have made peace with myself, and I’ve swallowed my temporary situation with pride. I’ve accepted that some days the sun is going to be blah. No blue skies to look upto and no good vibes to comfort. But you,  being yourself and waiting for the good days is what matters. You, trying to  change your current situation is what matters.  You are ready for change. 

Been a while, but life is good.